2. Dummy
First Aired: Wednesday October 10, 2007
Writer: Peter Ocko
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld

Field Cate (Young Ned), Sy Richardson (Coroner), Patrick Fabian (Mark Chase), Jonathan Mangum (Bernard Slaybeck), Riki Lindhome (Jeanine), Matt Braunger (Rick), Omar Avila (Manuel), Taji Coleman (Beth), Alex Endeshaw (Lab Technician), Wesley Harris (Science Teacher), Jon Eric Price (Ned's Father)

When this episode repeated in December 2007, the exterior of Dandy Lion Worldwide Industries changed. Instead of being a regular building with the "DL" logo on it, the entrance is shown with a large steel sculpture shaped like the spores of a dandelion.

The voice of the commercial announcer is done by Anna Friel (who plays Chuck) in her British accent.

Ellen Greene and Swoosie Kurtz are credited but don't appear.

Olive sings "Hopelessly Devoted to You," composed by John Farrar for Olivia Newton-John for the film version of the musical Grease.

Beth: (alive again): AHHHHH!
Emerson: (scared) AHHHHHHH!

Ned: (to Chuck about how she's not useless) Useless is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.

Chuck: You don't like dead bodies, do you?
Emerson: Not when they sit up and talk.

Chuck: Do I really have to sit in back from now on?
Ned:: It's for your own safety.
Chuck: You sound like my dad.
Ned:: If my hand brushes yours, you'd be dead.
Chuck: He didn't say that.

Narrator: From her perch, the jealous yet agile neighbor was able to confirm only one pleasing detail...
Olive: There's a surprising lack of physical contact.

Chuck: What about Jeanine? She needs to know Bernard loved her, it was his dying wish.
Ned: So sad.
Chuck: We'll cushion the blow.
Ned: Not a big fan of the blow.
Chuck: We'll bring pie. Someone dies you bring food, that's what you do.

Chuck: I already lived a sheltered life once, but it wasn't as sheltered as you think. Aunt Lily had a very extensive collection of historic erotica hidden in the milk cellar.
Ned: The milk cellar!
Chuck: Well, the cheese floor. The spooky place under the house, whatever.

Ned: What's great about knowing? When you lift up a rock, do you find whipped cream? No, you find bugs. I say "no" to knowing.

Olive: Who's the funny girl stuck to Ned?
Emerson: Childhood sweetheart.

Olive: This isn't Pies 'R' Us, Pie City, or Thousands of Pies in One Place. This is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking, mom-and-pop place. We chit chat here. (waits a moment for Emerson to say something). Chit!
Emerson: (unenthusiastically) Chat.

Emerson: (regarding the fact that a crash test dummy was Bernard's murderer): It's a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can un-dead and then re-dead again...like you're supposed to.

Narrator: (regarding Emerson) During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit. Since the arrival of the dead girl who was not dead, he found the stockinette stitch to be especially relaxing.

Emerson: I will pay both of you not to have this conversation in front of me.
Chuck: It's not in front of you, is it? It's to the side of you and behind you.
Ned: You can't ride in the front, Chuck.

Emerson: What's she's doing here?
Ned: She says she didn't climb out of a coffin for me to keep her in a box.

Narrator: (suspenseful, as Ned drives a Dandy Lion Six to escape Mark Chase) If only the piemaker had heard the killer exclaim the Dandy Lion Six was much more than an eco-friendly car of the future. If only he'd heard it was also a death trap, a dandelion-fueled time bomb!

Narrator: (Emerson, Chuck, and Ned are tasered, meanwhile Olive tries to sleep) As the piemaker's brain crackled with 10,000 volts of electricity and he lost consciousness, Olive would have no such luck.
Olive: Digby, you awake?
(Digby rolls his over and whimpers to Olive)
Olive: I can't sleep either.
Narrator: Closing her eyes only made her visions of the Pie Maker's late night date with the perky brunette from nowhere more vivid and uncensored.
(The screen blurs to Olive's dream sequence where Ned and Chuck are in a bubble bath together surrounded by candles and a pink curtain with a distorted version of the main theme playing in the background. Before they kiss, Olive opens her eyes again.)
Olive: Oh, yuck!
Narrator: Olive decided she was done lying down about this.
(Olive rises from her bed.)
Olive: We are up. We are walking.

Narrator: (regarding Emerson) As he finished purling the row, he wished aloud:
Emerson: (about Chuck's presence in their new investigation) She better not come.

Narrator: Emerson Cod realized he would not be not knitting anytime soon, as the dead girl who was not dead appeared to be staying put... a fact the Pie Maker celebrated.

Narrator: Emerson Cod did not like to knit in public, but he often left the house with the needles in his pocket should the opportunity to rib stitch a ski cap present itself.

Mark Chase: Automobile manufacturing is a dirty business...
Narrator: Murder was not new for Mark Chase.
Mark Chase: ...luckily body bags keep things nice and neat.

Narrator: Mark Chase's attention to detail and gift for planning had served him well as a CEO, and now again as a murderer.

Mark Chase: So what if, in the unlikely but not impossible event that the car gets up to a speed of 70 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the seat warmer on low, a short circuit in the radio causes a cataclysmic chain reaction that blows the car and its precious human cargo to smithereens?

Emerson: If I wanted to mingle with a bunch of geeks wearing leotards, I'd have stayed in art school.
Ned: (incredulously) You went to art school?

Chuck: (about Emerson and Ned's conversation in the car) What did you guys talk about?
Ned: I'd really like to get out of this car soon.
Chuck: Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?
Ned: (lying) He barely knows you're here.

Bernard Slaybeck: Why is everything so blurry?
Ned: Probably because your eyeballs are flat.

Chuck: (about the plastic glove in the car between the front seats) What is that?
Ned: It's for... um... steering emergencies.
Narrator: He lied.
Chuck: Perfect. That's what I thought.
Narrator: She lied, too.

Chuck: I miss my aunts.
Ned: Of course. Do you miss them a lot?
Chuck: A little.
Ned: All the time?
Chuck: Now and then.
Narrator: As Chuck spoke she realized her secrets were "really a lot" and "every minute" in that order.

Chuck: Your eye's twitching.
Ned: (innocently) Is it? (Turns quickly away)

Chuck: (Heading to the car) Shotgun!
Ned: Chuck...
Chuck: I hate the back!
Ned: Dead. Again. Forever.
Chuck Fine.
(Chuck resigns her shotgun position, Emerson laughs evilly)

Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

Emerson: (panicking) Can't this car go any faster?!
Chuck: Some car of the future this is!
Ned: I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?

Narrator: Chuck pondered why it was she always seemed to die just as things were starting to get good.
Chuck: (through a clear plastic body bag) Son of a bitch.
Ned: (also through a clear plastic body bag) What?
Narrator: And although he couldn't hear her, Ned suddenly wanted to tell her everything; pet peeves and favorite foods, his fears, his dreams, and all the pure joy she had brought into his life.

Emerson: You never can completely erase anything.

Chuck: I don't know anything about you since you were nine.
Ned: Well, it's pretty much I bake pies and wake the dead. I live a very sheltered life.

Ned: (referring to an ID badge Emerson has for the building in which they aren't supposed to be) Where'd you get that?
Emerson: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. They gave me a sample ID badge which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheap?
Chuck: (holds up an ID badge as well) I don't know. Is this? I gave the security guard a hug goodbye. My upper body distracted him while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.

Chuck: Isn't that what a PI's supposed to do? Investigate. Isn't that the fun part?
Emerson: The fun part's countin' my money in the bubble bath.
(Chuck leaves, upset.)
Ned: (to Emerson): Nice image.

Emerson: (to Olive, about Ned) He digs her in a way he definitely doesn't dig you.

Bernard Slaybeck: Is this heaven?
Chuck: Could be!
Emerson: No, it's not.
Bernard Slaybeck: (referring to Emerson) Is that God?
Ned: No, it's not.
Bernard Slaybeck: I'm confused, because I'm a Buddhist.

Ned: (lying to the Coroner) We're from the government safety place?
Emerson: Was that a question?
Ned: (more convincingly) Government safety place.
The Coroner: (suspiciously) Mmmm-hm.

Ned: (to Chuck, outside the morgue) You really can't come in.
(cuts to Emerson, a very present Chuck, and Ned standing inside the morgue)
Ned: Did I say can? Because I swallow my consonants sometimes. N't. N't. Can't come in.

Narrator: In fact, Emerson Cod had finished knitting a sweater vest and two handgun cozies in the weeks since Chuck's return.
Emerson: (draws a gun from his knitted outfit) Sweet.

Narrator: Young Chuck did not refer to a refrigerator as anything but a cheesebox until she was seventeen.

Chuck: (referring to Ned's refrigerator) This is such a small cheesebox.

Ned: Can we not say kill? I touch them again is all and they snap right back to the way they're supposed to be.
Chuck: Am I the rubber band that broke?

Ned: It's not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts willy-nilly.

Emerson: Dead people don't talk... usually.

Bernard Slaybeck: What hit and run? I was killed by a crash test dummy.

Chuck: (to Ned) Don't you have any hidden talents or hobbies? (a beat) I mean regular ones.

Olive: What's the poop?
Emerson: "The poop"?
Olive: Poop. Scoop. Skinny. The haps. The dillyo. The 411. P.I. lingo.
Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What's that mean.
Emerson: PI secret code for "Get me a damned slice of rhubarb."

Olive: Do they touch much?
Emerson: Wish they would...

Emerson: I'm not God, but if I was I'd be an angry God.

Chuck: Is this strange?
Ned: This is not strange. Unusual, maybe. Eccentric in a quiet way like dessert spoons.

Narrator: While Olive considered how much she loved Digby for paying attention to her when the piemaker would not, and Digby considered how much he liked salt... the piemaker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior convictions.

Chuck: We haven't seen each other in like 20 years, don't you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.
Ned: Look, we've all done things we're not proud of, we all have secrets.
Chuck: What secrets?
Emerson: Skeletons in the closet.
Ned: Exactly. How long have you been listening?
Emerson: There are skeletons in the closet.

Ned: I hate secrets too.
Chuck: What? You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies.

Emerson: She the boss of you?
Ned: I'm the boss of me.
Emerson: Dead girl's gotta go.
Ned: Dead girl's not going anywhere.
Emerson: You don't know nothing about her except that she had soft lips when she was ten.
Ned: That should be enough.
Emerson: Well I don't like it.
(Ned smiles to himself)

When Ned, Chuck and Emerson are following Jeanine in Ned's car, Ned keeps looking as if in his rear-view mirror at Chuck as they talk, however no rear-view mirror exists. The mirror returns after the plastic divider so Chuck can sit up front is installed in the car.

Although the exterior set for the Pie Hole is primarily CG, the setting changes between the pilot episode and this episode--where the Pie Hole used to be between two buildings, it is now a corner/wedge unit.

Even though in this episode, Ned repeatedly prevented Chuck from riding in the passenger seat of his car, he didn't seem to complain about it when Chuck was doing just that in "Pie-lette."

When Olive is singing "Hopelessly Devoted" she puts up a chair on a table for the floor waxer but she sits down at the same chair in the end.

4. Pigeon
First Aired: Wednesday October 24, 2007
Writer: Rina Mimoun
Director: Adam Kane

Sy Richardson (Coroner), Field Cate (Young Ned), Raf Mauro (Old Dead Guy), Vince Cefalu (Bradan), Jayma Mays (Elsa/Elsita), Dash Mihok (Lemuel "Lefty Lem" Weinger), Karly Rothenberg (Becky Caden), E.J. Callahan (Jackson Lucas), Pamela Kosh (The Curator), Victor Z. Isaac (Delivery Boy), Dan Glenn (Young Jackson), Michael Oosterom (Pigeon Puppeteer)

Olive Snook and Vivian Charles sing "Birdhouse in Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants, while following Pidge to the windmill.

Chuck: There's so much I'm learning about you.
Ned: Such as?
Chuck: You're a romantic.
Ned: When the mood strikes.
Chuck: And you're jealous when the mood strikes.
Ned: Everyone's a little jealous. I mean, if you're not a little jealous you're probably... can we not talk about this?
Emerson: The answer to your query is "yes."

Elsita: I was born into the life of windmillery.

Narrator: And the pie maker realized that while some obstacles may not disappear... you can always find a way to work around them.

Lefty: I'm sorry, was that guy your boyfriend? The guy who took a step back and let you fall?
Chuck: It was actually a really affectionate gesture. In context.

Lefty: Jackson was my prison bunkmate.
Vivian: Is bunkmate a euphemism for...?
Lefty: Not in this case, ma'am.

Lefty: That's my bird.
Elsita: What are you on about? It's my bird.
Lefty: I'll prove it. I wrote the note. Where's the note?
Olive: (coming through the door) Hello! Can I get my bird back, please?
Elsita and Lefty: Your bird?!
Olive: Yes, my bird. She's a carrier pigeon. She has a message and she has to have carry it. It's what she does.

Ned: No, actually I want to talk about this. I could let it go, but like the cat, it will come back, which I wouldn't call annoying but, there's no really great way of saying half-annoying, which it is a little bit.
Chuck: See? Isn't this neat? Here we were thinking all we had was one big problem when in actual fact we have hundreds of little problems that we have got to to sort out before we even get to the big problem, which means we're like everybody else in the world.
Ned: Except I still can't catch you.
Emerson: Are we taking two cars next time?

Ned: You know what our problem is?
Chuck: If you're referring to the touching thing, I see it as more of an obstacle than a problem.
Ned: It's a pretty big obstacle.
Chuck: Not compared to our others problems.
Ned: We've got other problems?
Emerson: I'm going to kill myself.

Narrator: The pie maker and the girl he called Chuck marveled at love's ability to conquer all obstacles: distance and time, hardship and pain, a lack of reciprocation, even death.

Ned: Care to dance?
Chuck: Yes, please.

Olive: Well, now wasn't that a nice outing?
Lily: I could use a drink.

Olive: If you know what's good for you, and I think you do, you'll give me two minutes.
Emerson: Why?
Ned: What for?
Chuck: Okay!
Olive: Goody then!

Emerson: Maybe your finger needs a new battery, here let me try. (slaps the curator with Ned's hand)

Chuck: (talking about Lefty) Ned, he's an escaped convict.
Ned: You didn't know that when you held his hand and P.S. not only is he an escaped convict, he's a hijacker who has prevented thousands of crops from being airily fertilized. And he stuffed a surly old dead guy in a trunk.

(curator passes out)
Emerson: Now that's narcoleptic, necrophilia's the other one?
Ned: Yeah.

Ned: I would have preferred a little more eyeball.

Emerson: (about Lefty) That one-armed bitch was speedy.

Emerson: (to Chuck, about Lefty) Where did he go?
Chuck: Conrad? He was going to the bathroom.
Ned: He's not Conrad, he's the hijacker. And he's going to the bathroom in my kitchen.

Chuck: Do you like pie?
Lefty: It'd be criminal not to like pie.

Ned: The plane was hijacked!
Becky Caden: How'd you come by that?
Ned: DNA... ish.

Coroner: (to Emerson) Why are you bothering this poor woman? You and that white boy got some kind of shifty going on? I don't know what, but you're shifty.

Chuck: Why can't we just be here as concerned citizens of the world?
Emerson: Because big daddy needs some new yarn.
Ned: Just because there's a dead body doesn't mean you're going to get paid.
Emerson: Just because there's vodka in my freezer doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

Emerson: (a dead bird is accidentally brought to life by Ned) What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird? Because if it's equal to or greater than mine I need to get back to my car.
Ned: I'm more concerned for that squirrel.

Chuck: You do realize that bee keeping within city limits is completely illegal.
Ned: Yes, and I'm almost sure I don't care.

Narrator: In that moment, Chuck was holding the pie maker's hand; if only by proxy.

Ned: Did you see the way he just swept in there?
Emerson: Yeah. So?
Ned: I don't sweep. I'm not a sweeper.
Emerson: Eh, it's a little showy.
Ned: It's a lot showy! And what's a rooftop full of bees compared to someone who can catch her when she falls? I can't catch her, Emerson.
Emerson: Can't suck on her toes neither...
(Ned gives an odd look)
Emerson: Some women like that!

Ned: The ambulance is leaving.
Chuck: Oh, you go ahead. I'm gonna stay here and see if there's anything I can do.
Ned: I'm sure he's fine. Statistically speaking, his state can only improve. Dead pilot on the other hand probably has lots of last wishes.
Emerson: Yeah, like maybe wishing he'd turned left.

Olive: I recently made the acquaintance with a pair of bird lovers, I'll consult them.
Narrator: Olive was referring to aunts; Lily and Vivian.
Chuck: Really? I used to know a pair of bird lovers!
Narrator: Chuck also referred to aunts; Lily and Vivian.
Olive: Used to? Did they die?
Chuck: (pause) Death was involved...

Emerson: Where did you bury your loot, Jack?
Jackson: Ha! Why should I tell you?
Ned: Good karma, it's like currency in the after-life.

Jackson: (after being revived) I can't see anything. Am I blind?
Ned: Good news is you're not blind. Bad news is you're dead.
Chuck: Makes blind seems like a walk in the park, doesn't it?

Emerson: (to Ned) Your thing is waking up dead people. My thing is finding dead people for you to wake up.

Ned: It's raining dead birds.

When shown the pamphlet for the VonRoenn windmill, there is a typo. It says: "The VonRoenn Mill has been preserved as a hisorical landmark. With its distinctive red sails, the Mill can be seen from anywhere in N.A.R.M." (edit) Brought to life and returned to death by Ned's touch:

Braden
The real Conrad
Jackson Lucas

Brought to life by Ned's touch:
Pidge the Pigeon

Creatures/characters dead as a result of Ned keeping someone else alive:
A crow

Ned: It's raining dead birds.
When a dead bird falls from the sky, this is a spoof of a similar scene in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

Ned: Like the cat, it will come back.
Ned is referencing an old folk song, The Cat Came Back, about a farmer who owned an ornery cat that wouldn't leave because it kept coming back.

Olive: "A bird that stalks down its narrow cage / Can seldom see through its bars of rage."
Olive is quoting a line from Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

6. Bitches
First Aired: Wednesday November 14, 2007
Writer: Chad Gomez Creasey, Dara Resnik Creasey
Director: Allan Kroeker

Field Cate (Young Ned), Sy Richardson (Coroner), Sammi Hanratty (Young Chuck), Joel McHale (Harold Hundin), Jenny Wade (Hallie Hundin), Jessica Lundy (Hilary Hundin), Lydia Look (Heather Hundin), Christine Adams (Simone Hundin), Mark Harelik (Ramsfield Snuppy), Ed Brigadier (Minister)

The shot of Olive saying "Don't tell Chuck" is a different take than the one that was used in the promos. In that take, there was a pause between the words "Don't" and "tell."

Although credited, Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene do not appear in this episode.

Narrator: Emerson Cod had a very particular view on romantic relations.
Emerson: Some women love like gangstas. They be like "Oooh baby you bleedin, how'd that happen?" While they hiding the razor in they weave.

Ned: Digby and I have been together for a very long time. We're intimate, but it's the appropriate level of canine-human intimacy.

Emerson: They were all breeders too.
Olive: They make babies for their polygamy cult?
Emerson: Dog breeders.
Olive: They make dogs for their polygamy cult?
Emerson: Ain't nobody making nothing for their polygamy cult.

Narrator: Wondering why her kiss with the pie maker went unmentioned, Olive attempted to mention the unmentionable.

Narrator: Where there was a reward, there was Emerson Cod.

Chuck: (to Ned) I'm going to hug Digby and pretend that he's you.

Olive: That's the most tragic story I've ever heard. Notwithstanding the big ticket items like genocide and famine, but tragic nonetheless.

Ned: I had a sexy dream about Olive last night and I'm sure it was influenced by a reality-based kiss. By the road. You know...
Emerson: There is no way for this conversation to be anything but awkward for me.

Narrator: Still, he wore hope on his head... what Young Ned didn't know was that very moment the girl he called Chuck was wearing hope on hers. They were together even if they were far apart.

Chuck: You're taking money from blind children?
Emerson: I suppose I could pay my bills with blind kids' smiles, but their money is a lot easier.

Olive: I just want you to be happy.
Narrator: And Olive did, though she was not yet ready to let go of the hope that her perfect pie maker's perfect happiness might lie with her.

Ned: You're the only one for me.
Chuck: I know you feel that now, but there are things you want, there's things we both want.
Ned: So? Everyone wants stuff. We wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Chuck: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

Emerson: Might not be Simone.
Ned: Simone was hiding Bubblegum, she chloroformed you, and she tied you up. I'm not even going to mention the ball gag. That's gangster love.
Emerson: See that's what's rubbing me, if she was gangsta she'd have busted a cyanide cap in my ass the minute I sniffed out her dog, but she didn't.

Simone: If you'll excuse me, I have some leftover business to handle, and a funeral to attend.
Emerson: As long as it ain't mine, I'm cool.

Emerson: I'm gonna shake down Simone and find that dog.
Ned: If you shake Simone and the dog falls out...
Emerson: Then she's the killer.
Narrator: Fearing being alone with the girl he kissed but did not love, and the girl he loved but could not kiss, the pie maker decided...
Ned: I'll come with you.
Emerson: This is a solo shaking.

Ned: The only reason I didn't tell you is because it didn't mean anything. Lots of stuff happens in the course of a day that I don't bother sharing. For instance, yesterday's four-berry pie was actually three and a half because I ran out of cranberries. I didn't tell you that.
Chuck: Actually you did. You asked if orange counted as a berry and I said it didn't, but no one had to know but us.
Ned: I like that you said "us."

(after a phone call)
Emerson: Uh, we need to prove Hallie Hundin was innocent.
Ned: Your conscience calls you on the telephone?

Emerson: Under, meaning "below." Cover, meaning "the radar," people. What is so hard about that to understand?

Emerson: No wonder the guy can handle four wives, the dude was caffeinated.

Chuck: Four wives? That's just greedy!
Olive: And intriguing.
Emerson: Some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, others like their Neapolitan.
Ned: I like Neapolitan.
Emerson: Then you'd do well as a polygamist: one woman to have, one woman to hold.
Ned: Why? Why would you do that? For the record I'd make a horrible polygamist. I'm easily distracted, I wouldn't know where to focus...

Harold Hundin: I wish I could've said goodbye to Bubblegum.
Ned: I have stick gum!

Harold Hundin: I tasted almonds in my coffee, real bitter, exceptionally bitter, with an intense charismatic flavor that could only be... cyanide.

Chuck: Are you watching me sleep?
Ned: Uh, no sorta. But mainly I was waiting for you to wake up and in the process of waiting for you to wake up I was... yes, I was watching you sleep.
Chuck: You do that a lot, don't you?
Ned: It's like watching you come back to life.
Chuck: Again.

Emerson: (about Olive) That girl dropped a bomb in your subconscious with her saliva.

Trivia: Harlod Hundin and his wives of dog-lovers are propably named after the German word "Hündin" ("Hund"), which translated means a female (male) dog.

Olive: I used to have a horse named The Pie in another life. That's because I wanted to be like Elizabeth Taylor. She was so pretty. Then The Pie died.
Referencing the movie National Velvet (1944), based on the novel by Enid Bagnold. Pie is the name of the horse belonging to Velvet Brown (Elizabeth Taylor).

Harold's Death Scene
Referencing Marion Crane's shower murder in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960).

Emerson's Dream: Falling into a spiral
Referencing Alfred Hitchcock's classic thriller Vertigo (1958).